Airline Jokes

Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain.
Pilot: Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level one-hundred.
Tower: Negative, Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level six-zero and maintain.
Pilot: But four plus six equals ten, no?
Tower: You're to climb, not to add.

Pilot: FLX three-zero, Tower, we're running out of fuel, please advise!
Tower: What's your position, I don't have radar contact!
Pilot: We're lined up for runway two-nine and would like to know where the fuel truck is.

Tower: Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back.
Pilot: GAF 269: Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil.

Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
Pilot: Again!

Tower: What's your heigth and position?
Pilot: Well, I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.

Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?
Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot.

The following story was told by Salvatore Baia, a pilot who was waiting in his Cessna for take-off clearance one fine morning at Zurich Airport. The situation was this: Weather: clear, visibility: good. Take-off runway was two-eight, landing runway one-six, alternate one-four.
Tower: Alitalia 194, you are cleared to taxi to runway two-eight; line up and hold. Expect take-off clearance shortly.
AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to two-eight-a and hold-a
after 30 seconds ... Tower: Alitalia 194, cleared for take-off
AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need-a preflight checks
again 30 seconds later ... Tower: ALITALIA ONE-NINE-FOR, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.
AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off-a in two minutes ...
In the mean time: runway one-six had a 737 with a wheel emergency and was blocked. All traffic had to use one-four. An approaching 767 from Cincinnati was guided downwind to land on two-eight. Its crew had been airborne for more than eight hours ...
Tower:Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have a Delta 767 on final two-eight 2 miles!
AZ194: Ahhh, we need-a dirty more-a seconds...
DL104: Hey Spaghetti, take-off now or I'll fuck you from behind!
... and AZ194 was taking off - gracefully like a Space Shuttle...

From the 55th Weather Reconnaissance Squadron at McClellan AFB, CA.

A Weather Recon crew had two enlisted personnel, and it was their duty to secure all baggage. Some of the other crew members felt that meant we were to load their bags from wherever they dropped them. One such member learned how wrong that was when the plane landed in Alaska in the dead of winter. After searching, he asked the Flight Engineer where his bags were. The FE asked him where he had placed them. "Under the wing", was the reply. The FE walked to the door, looked out and said, "well they're not there now!"